In celebration of Father’s Day on 1st September, and whether you are about to become a new dad or have just become a new dad let us start by saying a big - Congratulations! Becoming a father can bring lots of joy, but it can also bring stress. With careful planning and preparation, you can develop a rewarding relationship with your new born and deal with the challenges of parenthood with enthusiasm rather than trepidation.
If your partner is pregnant or has just given birth, you can ease their anxiety and show your support by actively preparing for your role as a father in some of the following ways.
Mindset
One way to look at fatherhood is that you’re not a ‘supporting actor’, you’re a co-star so be prepared to step up to play a major role in this new ‘sit-com’ called parenting. We tongue-in-cheek refer to parenting as a sit-com, because we want you to view it as a situational comedy – not a drama, not a sci-fi and definitely not a horror movie – so think about how you can have some fun along the way. Whilst taking it seriously, don’t take it toooooo seriously.
Get involved
During pregnancy, you do not have the daily reminders that you are about to become a parent as women do. There are many ways you can become involved during the pregnancy and begin to connect with your baby. Try placing your hand on your partner's stomach to feel the baby kick. Attending antenatal classes will help you keep up to date with the progress of the pregnancy and be aware of any potential complications. Talk to other fathers about what to expect and how you can get involved – remind them, by this stage it’s too late for them to talk you out of it!
Attend birth education classes
These classes are an excellent way for you and your partner to receive useful information and help you both to prepare for labour and delivery. It's so important that you know what your partner will experience during the birthing process and to find out ways to support her through this challenging time. It can be very confronting to see your partner in so much pain, so it's best to be armed with information so you don't get too much of a shock on the day! It is not ok for you to ask the doctor for a hit of ‘gas’ during any of the four stages of labour.
Budget management
If you and your partner are considering taking time off work when the baby is born, you will have to review your financial obligations and come up with a realistic budget. It's worthwhile doing this early on so you don't have to worry about money once the baby arrives. Remember to factor in the costs of raising a baby, it is not cheap, but it can be done cost efficiently.
Talk to your partner
Stay connected with your partner during the pregnancy by talking about your daily lives and how your relationship may change once the baby is born. Be supportive if your partner suddenly gets a taste for gherkins dipped in ice-cream.
Build up a support network
Parenthood comes with many challenges but if you and your partner feel well supported then they are much easier to overcome. While it's important to know which of your family and friends are willing and available to support you both once the baby arrives, it is just as important to be aware of what professional support is available too. Keep a list on your refrigerator of all the important contacts that might come in handy once you have a baby such as your obstetrician, GP, child and family nurse, local hospital (birthing unit and postnatal ward), 24-hour helplines for parenting support (sleep and settling), lactation consultant etc. If you're prepared early, you will not be so confronted by difficult situations when they arise.
Think about what kind of father you want to be
Take the time to think about the things you liked and disliked about your own father. What might you like to do similarly, what would you like to do differently with your own child? Have a quick read of our article on 'What's your Parenting Style', this may help.
And finally, remember you’re not the “backup parent.” You’re a father
You’re a full, equal partner in turning a small, fragile newborn into a loving, decent, healthy contributor to society (no pressure!). Never let the fact that other people aren’t sure what to do with a man between conception and weekend sports fool you into thinking that you’re anything less than critical to every step of the process. Be informed, involved and an equal partner in the parenting process.
Baby is Here - Now What?
Now that we’ve discussed some ways to help yourself, your partner and your child through the birthing stage (which we will continue to touch on) let us now look at how to deal with those early stages after the birth of your newborn baby.
Sleep deprivation
Okay, this part is inevitable. You and your partner will have disturbed sleep for many, many weeks (or months) once your baby arrives. It's completely normal for a baby to wake frequently throughout the night in the first three months until they establish a better night/day sleep cycle. Lack of sleep can quickly take a toll on new parents so do what you can to support each other during this time. Take turns - if you’re bottle feeding – otherwise ‘expressing’ may be a way to contribute to feeding time.
Relationship conflict
Having a baby means there will be a shift in the relationship you have with your partner. You will need to share your partner's attention with the baby and it is common for a new dad to feel left out. Your partner may feel stressed, irritable and sad at times but it's important not to take it personally. Having a new baby is an emotionally turbulent time for new parents. Maintaining respectful communication and engineering moments of connection and intimacy are critical for both parents.
Sexual tension
As your partner recovers from childbirth and physical exhaustion, she will probably experience a loss of sexual drive. This might strain your relationship. Try to promote intimacy with affection towards your partner without the pressure of sex. Hugs, kisses and shoulder rubs are a nice way to have physical contact with your partner and stay connected while her body recovers. It's also important to continue to talk to each other about the changes you're experiencing and support each other through this time. If you haven’t read Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, please do – it’s a great way to maintain intimacy by exploring each other’s core needs.
Financial pressures
The cost of caring for a baby including nappies, clothing, formulas and other supplies can quickly add up. If your partner takes maternity leave, this could lead to a reduced combined income for a period of time. This is not a time to be making big, life-changing decisions. It's best to keep to a weekly budget and re-assess each month to see what's working and what is not.
Responsibilities
We’re not saying it’s easy for the mum, however, it can also be really tough for dads to juggle the roles of going to work and spending enough time with your new baby. Try not to overload yourself at work or commit to overtime. The best way to develop a connection with your baby is to spend as much time with them as possible. If your partner has been caring for the baby, and you've had a long day at work, she will feel relieved when you get home and want you to share the care of your baby during the evening. Looking after a baby can be exhausting and rather than view your help as an obligation, take it as an opportunity to reconnect with your baby after hours apart. If this is not the case encourage your partner to take on some responsibilities when they get home. If the person who has gone back to work has a special activity they can do each day, such as enjoying baby bath time or reading a book before bed, then this will allow them to develop a special bond - and give the main caregiver a much-earned break.
Hopefully, you are one of the majority of new Dads who absolutely love their new life and have adjusted well to the changes – however it’s important to note that this experience will be different for your partner and that there are a number of things you can do to support them through this time and ensure that this experience is a wonderful one for you both as a family.
Child-proof the house
This can be a good way to ease any stress that comes from when the baby starts to become mobile around the house. Whether it’s yourself or your partner who is the stay-at-home parent it’s important to plan ahead and childproof your home as early as possible so you’re not rushing to various stores to do this should baby start moving around the house earlier than expected.
Some of the things you can do here are to move TVs and other electrical items out of baby’s reach, make electrical sockets inaccessible with appropriate covers, look at ways of holding doors in place (especially the food pantry or the cutlery drawer) and put up gates within the house (particularly if it’s split level or there are any stairs).
Offer to help
If your partner is the stay-at-home parent it’s important that when you get home you check with them to see how their day has been and, where appropriate, offer to spend time with your child straight away so they can have a break as they may have been waiting for you to get home for the last hour or so just to have some time to themselves which is important for any new parent. If your child is sleeping, offer to cook dinner – even if you feel like you’ve had a long day at work – it’s likely that your partner’s day has been even more hectic – it’s not all coffee catch-ups and long lunches with her girlfriends so don’t believe everything you see on social media!
This gesture will allow them to simply take a shower or read a book which as a parent of a new baby can seem an impossible task. Through understanding the demands that stay-at-home parents feel with new babies you can show your support in the best possible manner for your partner and your overall relationship.
Listen
This is important in any relationship but particularly for partners with newborn babies and young children to care for. If, for example, you come home and your partner is a bit flustered after a long day, make sure you listen to their concerns rather than jump straight in with suggestions on how to deal with this or improvements for the future. Its well-known men like to problem solve, however it’s often best to consider whether listening and empathising is the better approach. Allowing your partner to vent their frustrations before discussing issues more calmly is generally the best way to avoid escalating what may already be a highly charged topic. If you’re worried that you or your partner is acting or thinking differently from your usual self and feel they may be at risk of post-natal depression or anxiety, talk to them calmly and encourage them to seek more professional help, your GP is a good place to start. Getting appropriate support will help them manage symptoms and feel better. Don’t just leave them to manage it on their own, participate and join the appointment too.
Look for practical ways to help
There are a number of practical ways you can help:
- Put a hook on the back of your child’s high chair so that a bib can be hung from there each time baby is ready to feed
- Build or buy a small sandpit so that baby and parent can enjoy some time outside in a safe play area
- Help with breastfeeding, your support for breastfeeding can be vital while your partner is learning. You could give practical support – a glass of water, another pillow, be aware of cues and be on hand for whatever she needs
Being a parent is hugely rewarding, but it’s also hard work – especially at first. Dealing with changes in your everyday routine and sleepless nights as you learn to look after your baby can take lots of energy, emotional commitment and patience. There will be lots of times when you don’t quite know what to do, but try and remember that it’s the same for everyone – you’re learning on the job. Adjusting to parenting is a process of trial and error, good days and bad, and it’s common to take a while to feel comfortable and confident in your new role.
Get support
As a new parent don’t be ashamed to concede that you need a bit of extra support from family and friends, especially at the beginning. This could include practical stuff like helping with household chores or watching the baby or other children to give you a break, or emotional support – just being there to listen. Think about what would be most useful for you, communicate this to the people around you, and make sure you accept any offers, this is not the time to be stubborn!
Mixed emotions are normal
For many people, becoming a parent means that their hopes and dreams have come true. They love holding, touching, watching and smelling their baby. A couple may also experience a deepening sense of love and connection between each other and their baby.
For others, emotions are mixed with feelings of frustration and regret at losing their old life – things like financial independence, career, spontaneity, and time with their partner and friends. Some people also feel trapped by the huge change that has completely taken over their life and sense of self. They might panic that their identity as an individual has been replaced by that of ‘parent’. Coupled with fears about whether you’re doing a good job or not, these doubts and negative thoughts can cause huge feelings of guilt for new parents.
It’s important to bear in mind that these experiences are normal and part of the adjustment process – not a sign that you don’t want or love your baby.
Don’t judge
It can take time to adjust to becoming a parent. There’s no ‘right’ way of doing it, so don’t be too harsh on yourself if things work out differently from how you’d planned.
Everyone’s experience of pregnancy, birth and parenting is unique and brings different rewards and challenges. Try not to compare yourself with others. Instead, seek support from the people around you and if you need professional advice or support, contact your health professional as early as possible.
Above all, remember that looking after your new baby during the first year of life is a constant and demanding job. Lots of people need a bit of extra support at this time. There’s no shame in asking for help, if and when you need it.
Now go and have a beer, you’ve earned it!